The Gift of Self-Compassion

When your best friend calls to talk about how sad she feels because she lost her temper with her kids and found herself yelling at them, you respond with kindness, compassion and reassurance. When your sister confides in you that she feels terribly guilty about the way she ignored your mother’s phone calls for the past week, you empathize with her, knowing how your mother has a habit of calling multiple times a day! When your son talks about how upset he was about his performance at last night’s ball game, you listen earnestly, validate his feelings and remind him that he has worked really hard and has improved a great deal since the beginning of the season. You share your compassionate spirit so generously with those you love.

And yet, throughout the week, if you eat more carbs than were on your food plan, you say to yourself, “I blew it. Again. I don’t know why I bother trying.” When you spill your cup of coffee in the car, you condemn yourself, “Why am I such a stupid klutz?” And after you receive a notice stating you did not get an interview for a job you were interested in, you call your sister and say, “I was a fool for thinking I even had a shot at that job. I’m not good enough to work there.”

Shame. The voice that reminds us in so many ways that we don’t fit in, that we don’t belong, and that we’re “just not good enough.” Shame is an internal feeling and mindset that can result from a number of things. What’s important is that you have the power to heal from shame. As renowned shame researcher Brene Brown says, “Loving ourselves through the process of owning to our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”

Moral of the story: Be as kind to yourself as you are toward others. Speak kind words to yourself. Remind yourself that you are putting forth effort and that consistent effort leads to progress. Have empathy for yourself in relation to whatever happened in your past that led to self-doubt and internal shame. Heal yourself by having kindness, compassion, empathy and love for yourself in the same ways you do for others.

To learn much more about shame and how to heal from shame, check out BariAftercare. Each week I host two live discussions about various topics, send encouraging text messages throughout the day, and provide individualized worksheets to help you learn and grow. www.bariaftercare.com

MotivateMe! Quote 5/27/20

“We can do anything we want as long as we stick to it long enough.” ~Helen Keller

Connie says, "There are times I get frustrated with personal struggles and then I think about people who have truly overcome severe obstacles - like Helen Keller did. She, and so many others, have done amazing things in life with fewer advantages than you and I have. It's their determination and continued EFFORT that get them where they want to be. So let's continue with the  EFFORT required of us to get what we want! On we go!"

MotivateMe! Quote 5/6/20

“While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us.” ~ Ben Franklin

Connie says, "It sounds like it ought to be a fairly simple thing to 'control' what goes on inside of us. Although it's not an easy thing to do, we CAN improve so much of our lives by the way we choose to think about situations. I believe one of our greatest gifts is the ability to change our 'stinkin' thinkin' to more positive ways of looking at life. This takes a lot of EFFORT, but the results are worth it!"


Check out BariAftercare, which includes daily MotivateMe messages from Dr. Stapleton at www.bariaftercare.com!

Healthy Adult Behavior and your Weight Loss Journey

“Adulting is finally understanding why your mom was so upset with you when you didn’t
take the chicken out of the freezer .” – Jaline Nicole

5 “HEALTHY ADULT TRAITS” APPLIED TO YOUR WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY!

Practice these traits that are associated with being a “healthy adult” in your weight loss journey (and in your relationships)! Here we go!

A HEALTHY ADULT…

1. Accepts feedback/criticism gracefully, being appreciative for an opportunity to improve. When someone expresses concern over a behavior they see you engaging in that goes against what YOU SAID YOU WANT, how do you react? For example, if you’re eating ice cream several times a week after having bariatric surgery and a loved one brings that to your attention… how do you react? None of us can learn and grow without taking the feedback from others and using it to grow…

2. Does NOT engage in self-pity. Okay. We all have moments of self-pity. However, if you’re going to have a pity party, then set the timer for ten or fifteen minutes and then get on with life. If you find yourself thinking, “Other people who had surgery when I did are losing weight more quickly. Why not me?” or “Why does everybody else get to eat whatever they want, and they never gain weight? Why me?” Time for a wake-up call to stop with the self-pity and get on with adulting! 

3. Accepts responsibility for their own actions and does not make excuses or blame others. Let’s say your workout buddy cancels… will you still work out or use the excuse that your partner cancelled so you couldn’t possibly work out? Do the next wise thing for yourself in your life … because those things will lead you to where you say you want to be!

4. Has outgrown the all-or-nothing stage. Remember those oh-so-many previous weight loss attempts when you would start out gangbusters, going to the gym every single day and not eating one single simple carb… but then something would come up and just like that, no more gym and you were back to the junk food full force. Healthy adults realize that all-or-nothing thinking and behavior are not realistic or healthy. Do the next wise thing in your life. That may mean you miss a day at the gym now and then or eat some junk food now and then. But then get right back on track!

5. Has a set of guiding principles, beliefs or values that create the framework for decisions and actions. I call these your “Meaningful Matters." Choose your behaviors to move you closer to the things that matter to you most… those things that are most meaningful to you. Healthy behaviors move you closer to a healthy life.

Healthy Coping Tools to Get Through Sheltering at Home

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

10 WAYS TO HANDLE DIFFICULT EMOTIONS DURING THIS UNIQUE TIME IN OUR LIVES…

Practice these healthy coping skills to help you physically, emotionally and, if you’re a spiritual person, then spiritually as well, during this unprecedented time in our lives:

1.    Breathing. Deep breathing always helps decrease stress, anxiety, fear, and anger. Why? Because when we experience intense emotions, our physiology speeds up. We want to run or fight or expend energy. And when our energy is intense, we often react rather than respond. Breathing deeply and slowly calms our anatomy. When our bodies are calm, we are better able to make better, more rational and logical choices. So slow down and breath.

2.    Set healthy intentions/Pray.  Throughout the day, take moments to send positive thoughts into the universe or say a prayer. This is a way to do something good and kind and loving and sending into the universe or to the heavens. It always helps to focus on others and since we are all better off staying home, it’s good to know there’s a way to help others.

3.    Get outside. Not only does the change of scenery from your own four walls (even if you have dozen rooms in your house) gives you a chance to change your view, but your attitude, your perspective, and your thoughts, as well. Sometimes fresh air gives you a fresh start.

4.    MOVE your groove thing. Exercise helps us burn more than calories. Burn off some steam, or boredom, or unhealthy cravings, by dancing, walking, cycling, yoga-ing (is that a word?), or squatting! Work off the energy, then you’ll be better able to make healthy decisions and choices.

5.    Give gratitude. Tell someone one or two things about them that you appreciate. When you’re super worried or anxious or upset, make a list of things that are right in your world and smile about those things.

6.    Use mantras. Come up with a list of trite, but very true sayings and repeat them as needed: “This, too, will pass,” “Focus on what I can do,” “A day at a time,” and “In this moment, all is well.”

7.    Laugh. Do things that bring you happiness and cause you to laugh. Watch your favorite comedy, read a funny book or simply have a conversation with a three-year-old! You’ll feel better for sure!

8.    Get busy. We all have a closet that needs to be cleaned and a junk drawer that needs to be sorted. We never have time to sew those hems or finish that project. Re-pot your plants, sort through your pictures and send some old-fashioned snail mail.

9.    Download some incredible apps. Since things are what they are, I shall share my gratitude about having some super apps to offer positive messages, uplifting podcasts, encouraging meditations and lessons on everything from mindfulness, yoga, creative writing and a thousand other things!

10.  Imagine your awesome future. Create a vision board with tremendous plans for your future. Dream big! Include small joys. Smile as you engage in the unique architecture of your future.

We’re all in this together. Please share this with others. We all need some help right now!

Thanks so much.