The Gift of Self-Compassion

When your best friend calls to talk about how sad she feels because she lost her temper with her kids and found herself yelling at them, you respond with kindness, compassion and reassurance. When your sister confides in you that she feels terribly guilty about the way she ignored your mother’s phone calls for the past week, you empathize with her, knowing how your mother has a habit of calling multiple times a day! When your son talks about how upset he was about his performance at last night’s ball game, you listen earnestly, validate his feelings and remind him that he has worked really hard and has improved a great deal since the beginning of the season. You share your compassionate spirit so generously with those you love.

And yet, throughout the week, if you eat more carbs than were on your food plan, you say to yourself, “I blew it. Again. I don’t know why I bother trying.” When you spill your cup of coffee in the car, you condemn yourself, “Why am I such a stupid klutz?” And after you receive a notice stating you did not get an interview for a job you were interested in, you call your sister and say, “I was a fool for thinking I even had a shot at that job. I’m not good enough to work there.”

Shame. The voice that reminds us in so many ways that we don’t fit in, that we don’t belong, and that we’re “just not good enough.” Shame is an internal feeling and mindset that can result from a number of things. What’s important is that you have the power to heal from shame. As renowned shame researcher Brene Brown says, “Loving ourselves through the process of owning to our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”

Moral of the story: Be as kind to yourself as you are toward others. Speak kind words to yourself. Remind yourself that you are putting forth effort and that consistent effort leads to progress. Have empathy for yourself in relation to whatever happened in your past that led to self-doubt and internal shame. Heal yourself by having kindness, compassion, empathy and love for yourself in the same ways you do for others.

To learn much more about shame and how to heal from shame, check out BariAftercare. Each week I host two live discussions about various topics, send encouraging text messages throughout the day, and provide individualized worksheets to help you learn and grow. www.bariaftercare.com